i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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