You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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