I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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