I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
