im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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