hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
