I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
