Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
