at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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