I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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