this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
