ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
