Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
