Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
