bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
