those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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