Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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