You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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