We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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