My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
