So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
