I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
