I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
