Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
