I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
