My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
