Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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