ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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