The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You don't make any sense
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