I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
