My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have tasted many bathrooms
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
