Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
