remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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