i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
