we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
