John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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