Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
