So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
