when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
