Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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