I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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