Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
