FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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