I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
