i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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