i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
