my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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