I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also, beer. Big fan.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
