Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
