Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
