Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
