you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
